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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26918320">A Heart Full of Tears</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Folkpunk/pseuds/Folkpunk'>Folkpunk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Firehouse 118 as Family (9-1-1 TV), Getting Together, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, poor buck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:08:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,341</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26918320</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Folkpunk/pseuds/Folkpunk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck is so tired or everything. He goes to a bridge to commit suicide when fire house 118 responds to the call.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>410</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Heart Full of Tears</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW, suicide. This is bad, also its a sensitive topic so please don't read if it triggers you. Also I think I got the plot lines I wrote about right, but I haven't really seen the show. I just like Buck in the fanfictions I've read.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The wind howls, as Buck sits on the bridge, overlooking the ocean, cast in the darkness of twilight. He notes the bitter cold in the air, nipping at his face. It gives it a numbness he enjoys. It reflects his inner being. He had been numb for longer than he can count, a man on a mission to fool everyone around him. A smile, a fake laugh, it was all too easy. So easy he wondered if they had all noticed and simply let him be. He had betrayed them with the lawsuit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The ocean was choppy tonight, and hit against the rocks below. He could see the few boats still out, they lit a beacon. A beacon for him to follow, it would be so easy to just let go. He felt as if there should be a grand exclamation to end his short life, or at least more emotion, but he was tried. There wasn’t even energy for tears. Maybe it was for the best he thought. After all, was he worthy to cry for? What real man would lose themselves so completely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>HIs thoughts drifted to Christopher, his little superman. He loved him with his whole heart, and that was the problem. He was not really Chris’ family, and one day Eddie wouldn’t be blind to it anymore. Eddie. Eddie was so easy to picture, his laugh filled a space in Buck’s heart that always seemed so empty. What a fool. Falling in love with his best friend, a man whose son almost died in a tsunami because of him. Buck let out a harsh laugh, that cut off after a second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Time seemed to stand still as he stood up and leaned forward closer to his destiny. Maddie would be fine, the past few weeks they’ve barely talked. She had Chim, and now the new baby. Her life was going places, while he stood stark still. A picture of an unfulfilled life. His blond hair whipped around his face, obscuring his vision for a moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The moon was high in the sky, it's brilliant light showed determination in Buck’s eyes. At least if he was dying this was a beautiful thing to see. He whispered a sorry to the wind. Whether it was for this, to his family, or simply to say something he didn’t know. Before he could step forward he heard footsteps approaching him. He didn’t want to turn, but he briefly noted the sirens that were there. He had been here for far too long. It was time to just accept his choice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi there, would you mind getting off the bridge so we could talk?” Buck froze at the voice. No. He hadn’t wanted to cause anyone else anymore pain, and now she was here. He couldn’t even kill himself properly. Now his faux mom was here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Buck would hear Athena approach, and he knew that she hadn’t noticed it was him, and he didn’t want her too. But with her here could he do that to her. Jump in front of Athena? The beauty of the night faded slightly with the light of her flashlight. He spared a glance to the side to help hide his face, but it was too late.</span>
</p>
<p> <span>“Buck, baby what are you doing up there?” There was a tremble in her voice as she caught sight of him. “Buck, what's wrong? Please don’t do anything. We all love you, let's just talk, and we can have Bobby cook us up one of his famous dinners.”</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Buck’s heart trembled. He heard more sirens approach, and then Bobby behind him. His voice echoing in the quiet night. Then other footsteps. He knew Athena told them, when a quiet sob exited her mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buck, what are you doing? Why are you up there?” Buck became even more tired when he heard Bobby talk to him. He was just so tired at this point. Too tired to care what was being said to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he didn’t answer he heard more words behind him, but it didn’t matter to him. He was suddenly underwater, consumed with a deep emptiness that had been in him for so long. An emptiness he knew no one could fill. The quiet soothing words behind him turn louder, more frantic. Yet he still didn’t even glance behind him to see his family one last time. He wasn’t their responsibility to take care of. They would see the note, and soon they’d forget. Forget the man that was so irresponsible he took out a truck for sex. The man that had loved them so much he forgot how to live without them. The man who was an idiot. He hoped he was forgotten quickly. He wanted them to be happy, and his memory wouldn’t help that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stepped towards the wind, a soft smile on his face. When he suddenly jerked back as strong arms encompassed his waist, pulling him towards the barrier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Buck couldn't help, but let out a few words in his surprise. Had he really been so out of it he hadn’t noticed someone come behind him? “What the ..” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You stupid idiot what are you doing? Why weren’t you responding?” Eddie's voice broke as he gripped Buck tighter. “You can’t do this Buck.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“E-eddie, I’m just so tired. It hurts so badly, and the water’s so beautiful tonight.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The water won’t be beautiful if you jump into it. Buck you can’t do this to Chris, he loves you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That's the problem!” Buck couldn’t control his voice now. Eddie was too much, he made him feel too much. “I love Chris, but I’m not his family. One day you’ll leave me, and I’ll be left even emptier. I need to leave first, and then Chris can forget about me. He can live happily with you-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How can he live happy knowing what you did to yourself! Buck-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t understand Eddie, it's too much.” Buck got quieter feeling too drained. “Please just let me go, please Eddie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Buck heard Eddie’s crying next to his ear. “I can’t Buck. I can’t live without you. Chris isn’t the only one that loves you. Buck you’re my strength without you I don’t know how’ll I continue. After Shannon I thought it was going to be too much, but then you were there. Helping me all the way. Buck you are my best friend, and I couldn’t help falling in love with you. So stop being such an idiot and get off this bridge, or else my arms are going to fall off.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Buck barely registered climbing over the side of the bridge. He did note the harsh feel of the pavement as he collapsed onto it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buck, you what were you thinking?” Suddenly Hen was hugging him, holding him as he collapsed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chim’s face showed streaks of tears, as he bent down near them too. “Buck without you who would have babysit for my kid. Maddie would have been so mad.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buckaroo I think I stand for everyone when I say I’ve never been more afraid.” And there was Athena, her hand in his hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buck, I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’ve already lost my other kids.” Suddenly Buck felt so embarrassed. The pain he had caused them all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t stop saying sorry on repeat. His hands gripping Bobby’s coat, as he stood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We know you’re sorry Buck. Just get in the ambulance so we never have to be scared again.” Athena started leading him there when he remembered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turned and rushed to Eddie. Eddie looked like a wreck, his face ashen, and his eyes filled with tears. To Buck he always looked beautiful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too Eddie.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the coming months Buck would still feel that tired emptiness that had consumed his life. However, when it became too much he noted the way Eddie was always there, or Hen, or Chim, or any of his team. How for the first time it felt like he wasn’t alone, but loved.</span>
</p>
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